ALL DAY school.

Last Thursday was the first day. However, with the holiday weekend, today feels like the real beginning. I am trying to be zen about the whole thing. I can finally catch up on the 6 1/2 years worth of housework and projects I have been neglecting. I can have my peacefully reading time back. I can get back into yoga. I get to be a person first and mama second for 6 hours a day.

The only problem with all of those "benefits" is that I would vastly prefer the experiences of the last 6 years (we will leave out those first 6 months of N's fragile life) to just be repeated over and over. Spending my days with Nora have been frustrating and magical and joyful and filled with dancing. I have been forced to overcome fears and selfishness and become all around better person. I will probably be tired forever from all the growing that little munchkin has forced me to do.

I know I will find peace and joy in this next phase of my life. But right now, I am not sure where the path will go. Now that she is in all day school, I am fielding questions about going back to work and what I am going to do with "all that time". I have considered work and volunteering and spending hours at the gym "getting my body back". The opportunities available to me are numerous. 

Right now, I plan to float a little. I plan to take things day by day. I am still wrapping my mind around the idea that Nora is in school all day, and I am only responsible for me from 9-330. 

New phase, new season, new challenges ahead!

Stress, babies, and a new furry family member

If you know our story, you know we didn't come by sweet Nora easily. Almost a year of infertility treatments resulted in stress, insomnia, weight gain, and a sweet tiny baby girl.

We swore up and down we would never go back to infertility drugs. But as the years ticked on, and no second baby came, the possibility of trying the doctor's way seemed more and more likely.

Last fall I started working with a doc trying to get my hormones and body ready for the infertility drugs. This winter we started. And this spring we have given up. 3 cycles (which was all we set out to try).

While it is was unbelievably hard to put my body through all that, again, and not end the turmoil with another sweet baby, I am so glad we tried. All this time I have been telling myself if I would just"suck it up" and take the medication, then I could have a baby.

Now I never have to wonder if there was more we could have done. Did we try all the drugs, do all the tests and procedures? No. We barely scratched the surface of what the medical field can do for someone with my medical issues. However, that was as far as we were willing to go.

If I have been distant, this is why. For the past 10 months, my body has been in turmoil. My emotions have been all over the place. Keeping up daily tasks has often been a struggle. Travel, phone calls, even email became almost impossible the further we went into treatment. So, it is time to stop. Time to return to myself and my sweet little family.

I will still hold onto that tiny hope that something miraculous will happen without the help of doctors and drugs and schedules. But for now, we added a furry baby to our little family.

Meet Ivy, the French Bulldog.
She: loves to lick and cuddle and run, snores louder than an old man, and is overjoyed by teeny tiny tennis balls.

Singing and Dancing

After Nora was born and in the months that followed her homecoming, I never thought we would end up with a happy kid. She was so unhappy, so much of the time. Consequently, we were too.

But here we are 6 years later, and my kid wakes up singing and dancing. I open her door and the cat comes running up the stairs to leap into her bed and snuggle. She opens her eyes and says, "Daisy's purrs feel soooo good mommy" and soon after the singing begins.

Once we are downstairs to breakfast, it is the dancing that takes over. So much so, that it becomes impossible to sit still long enough to eat breakfast.

And for the rest of our day, most of the time, we are in an old school musical. Singing and Dancing our way through life.

Me.

Today, at one of the my favorite MOMS Club events (Coffee with Graise), we did personality tests.

First, let me back up and tell you about Coffee with Graise. Our MOMS Club calendar is filled with events members volunteer to host/plan/or otherwise be in charge of. This can be a park meet up to an elaborate craft at home-whatever we the moms want to do. Several months ago, Graise started hosting a monthly coffee. The kiddos dig into her son's playroom, and we mamas have coffee, a little treat, and some guided conversation. One monthly we wrote letters to ourselves (to be sent back in 1 year), another she lead us in discussion questions. We have even made vision boards. Graise guides us through each activity in this wonderful calm way. Every month I leave feeling better about myself, my life, and what is ahead. I. LOVE. IT.

This month we took the Meyers Briggs Personality Test. My friends from Res. Life remember doing this. I have taken this test a number of times over the course of my young adult life and always received the same result. Until now.

It is amazing to me how much time, experience, motherhood, and army life have changed me. Or have they?

Am I really different? Or have I just become more confident in who I really am and more comfortable with the pros and cons that come with me?

For years I was: The Caregiver-As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESFJ’s generally have the following traits: 

Organized 

Loyal 

Can be depended on to follow things through to completion 

Enjoy creating order, structure and schedules 

Enjoy interacting with people 

Warm-hearted and sympathetic 

Tend to put others' needs above their own 

Very good at giving practical care 

Very cooperative, good team members 

Practical and down-to-earth 

Value peaceful living and security 

Enjoy variety, but work well with routine tasks 

Need approval from others 

Receive satisfaction from giving to others 

Live in the here and now - dislike theorizing about the future 

This morning I tested: The Guardian-As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESTJ’s generally have the following traits: 

Natural leaders - they like to be in charge 

Value security and tradition 

Loyal 

Hard-working and dependable 

Athletic and wholesome 

Have a clear set of standards and beliefs which they live by 

No patience with incompetence or inefficiency 

Excellent organizational abilities 

Enjoy creating order and structure 

Very thorough 

Will follow projects through to completion 

Straight-forward and honest 

Driven to fulfill their duties 

Now of course, a personality test, no matter how well researched is just a test. It is not empirical knowledge or anything that I plan to take too seriously. But I find the difference interesting. And as I sit and think about it honestly, I have changed a lot over the past 10 years. Marriage has changed me. Motherhood has changed me. Military life changed me-a lot. Are they all good changes? No. But I like to think that even with the negatives, I am a better parent, partner, and person that I was 5 years ago.

The some of the positive qualities that I see missing from the second list-Warm-hearted and sympathetic, Tend to put others' needs above their own, and Receive satisfaction from giving to others- are not truly gone. But instead, changed. I put my families needs above all others, but am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for the sake of people I am only acquainted with. Having dealt with more life challenges than when I was 22, I strive to be more empathetic than sympathetic. And while I still receive great satisfaction from giving to others, I have learned to be more careful lest I give too much and hurt myself and my family.

I do miss some of those qualities that 22 year old Carman had. I wouldn't blink an eye about spending hours creating a little homemade gift for a friend for no reason. I thought it totally normal to clear my schedule for almost anyone who needed me. I spent hours talking and patiently listening. I still do those things, but not for just anyone. I am far more selective. I have fewer hours to spend and more people to take care of than 22 year Carman. 

Instead, I am trying to find peace in folding laundry. I am trying to carefully apply those listening skills to the woes and worries of a six year old girl. I am trying to make time to remind my husband that he is still my favorite person despite how tired and cranky I have become. My priorities have shifted and focused. I strive to run an efficient home. I work hard to manage our finances in a way that allows us to enjoy life now, but also protects us from future worries. Most of all, I strive wholeheartedly to become the woman I most want Nora to emulate. Because I know, more than anything else, how I live will shape how she lives.

Oh what a difference a decade makes!

Phil and Carman at EWU graduation 2004

Phil and Carman at Nora's 6th Birthday Party 2014

One foot in and one foot out

So, are you guys staying in DuPont?

The short answer is yes.

That must get hard with everyone moving all the time.

The short answer is yes.

Wow. Phil has a really long commute!

The short answer is yes.

Most people don't seem very interested in my long answers. Of course our good friends are and our family care tons, but all those "others" the ones you meet in passing or chat with outside the elementary school, or even the new acquaintances that may someday become good friends, they aren't too interested in the long answers. To be fair, my long answers tend to be pretty darn long.

But it is a complicated and emotional thing. We left the Army, but we really didn't. Phil won't deploy, we don't have a PCS move on the horizon-ever-, and I have no "mandatory fun" to complain about. I acutely remember the pain of dealing with Tricare, despite the fact that I haven't dealt with it for 2 years. We still shop at the commissary and PX; I have post access. But, we aren't really an Army family anymore.

Phil is on IRR (individual ready reserve). This means he is on a list for the "great Army in the sky" and could, in the event of something really really major, be called up to Active Duty. He does nothing for the Army, and they pay him nothing. But remaining on that list, and risking the remote possibility that he could be called to serve again, affords us certain benefits. Post access being a big one. He didn't have to resign his commission being the biggest.

Of course all of this is confusing for the people around us. Most people have never heard of someone staying on IRR on purpose. But for us, it is the right thing for our family right now.

Because continuing to serve as an Active Duty family was not the right thing for our family. The sacrifices we had to make were hurting our family. We weren't able to put the priorities that we felt most important first. However, we both still feel drawn to serve. And we feel that pull from the military.

Living in a primarily military community, we are surrounded by opportunities to help military families. Having been one of those families, having done deployments and PCS moves and TDY separations, we know all the little ways the "civilian family down the street" can help. It is forever my goal to be that help and support in every little way we can. I love that we are stable enough to do it. I love that we have the opportunity to meet and learn from and love these wonderful people from all over.

It is hard getting close to all these great families only to say goodbye a year or two later. It is hard being the one left behind. PCS season is already beginning and we will send off many good friends this spring/summer. But I know the Army is a very small world. And those families will meet someone getting ready to PCS here. And if we are lucky, they will mention their good friends that live in DuPont.

New Years Eve with friends

Someday...

There has been a lot of "someday" dreaming in our house as of late. It seems as if once the uncertainty of Army life was removed, we now have more freedom to dream about where we want life to take us. We have more control over every aspect of our live, but also much more risk.

It still surprises me (one whole year later) that I actually feel more vulnerable outside of Army life, than I did within it. Of course, Phil's job was risky in a way that working as a civilian will never be, but what I am getting at is risk over all. The Army Family is a cozy little network where all the choices are figured out for you. Your medical, life insurance, even your support network are all provided, figured out, and set up. That is not to say it is all perfect or even always preferable, but it is certainly easy.

Even with the confusing trek through selecting everything that was previously provided for us, we are happy in our new freedom. Phil and I look far into the future and have the chance to really plan and steer our family in the direction we choose. We are able to put our family values and the well being of all three of us first. It is refreshing and challenging!


Now for an Update on Us...almost a year after my last post

This fall was a crazy time for us. The house seemed to crumble around us. August revealed a significant problem with our siding. One side of the house was completely replaced and minor repairs done on the rest. Almost simultaneously, we had to replace our furnace and decided to upgrade to a heat pump/gas furnace combo. Those two, and the other little things around the house added up to our most expensive year EVER! Thankfully, it is unlikely we will have to buy another furnace for this house in our lifetime...

Phil moved into a permanent job at Seattle City Light in July, and has spent the last 6 months finding his groove there. He loves the projects he is working on and the people he works with are wonderful. While he misses somethings about the Army, civilian life has brought back the relaxed sweet man I knew when we were in college.

Nora is thriving in PreK, though I am tiring of the drive down to Olympia and all the time away from our house. She and I both can't wait for Kindergarten. Her, because it is the "big kid" school and I, because it will mean a 5 block walk (round trip) rather than a 25 mile drive. She is happily pursing ballet and will have her first stage recital this spring.

I have now been President of the MOMS Club of DuPont, WA for 6 months now. The job is challenging in ways I never would have expected, but I think I am starting to get the hang of it! Managing volunteers that are my peers forces me to approach leadership in a very different way than I have before. I feel very strongly about the importance of our mission and am very glad to be volunteering so much again. If you aren't familiar with MOMS Club International, it is a nonprofit support group and service organization for at home mothers. http://www.momsclub.org/


Happy New Year!

for more pics of the Ambrose Family : http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10152140078332925.611613.510802924&type=1&l=1c3ebdbd6e

AND: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151743955957925.555737.510802924&type=1&l=8a327d8fa2

How is the job and everything going?

Wow. That was quite a break from blogging!

Our most asked question for the last 4 months has been:
How is the job and everything going?

In one word: AWESOME.

I am not sure I could have conjured up a better smoother transition for our family. Phil and I are more peaceful and less stressed than we have been in years. And while his job (like every job) has it's own set of politics and ups and downs, overall he is enjoying it. We are LOVING the fact that when he is home, he is HOME. There are no calls into work, no training exercises, no 15+hour days, and best of all NO DEPLOYMENTS.

Leaving the active army has been an adjustment in many ways we didn't expect. Phil misses the sense of service, I miss the built in support system. In an effort to work through those two big loses, we are volunteering more in the local community and investing time in planting deep roots here. Phil has been taking night classes as part of the Community Emergency Response Team Training that will culminate in a certification exercise this Saturday. Just the beginning for us of course....

Also, Philip has found now that he is no longer in the Army he has time for hobbies! We purchased him a new guitar and he is serenading us more and more. He has also taken great interest in shaping up our backyard! He will be a master gardener one day-just wait!

Nora is bright and amazing as ever. Loving preschool and ballet and swimming, she is a popular friend everywhere she goes. Like her grandpa and her great grandpa Reale, she will make a friend chatting in line at the grocery store! I can't wait for her to start saying "Good Morning!" to everyone we meet (my grandpa's friendly greeting regardless of the time of day). She is on the verge of reading, spelling out every word she sees and desperately trying to put the sounds together, so I plan to try to start teaching that this summer! Feel free to send me advice!

I have recently found my way back to sewing. In the last month or so, I have committed more and more time to one of my former favorite hobbies. Hopefully, in the near future I will have more to share in this department. So far, it has brought me great joy to find I still have the skills to create amazing things (or at least I find them amazing)!

That's right, life is pretty AWESOME for the Ambrose's these days!