Today I feeling especially pitiful. I even downloaded an old song that I think perfectly captures my emotions during deployment. It was popular just after Phil's first deployment. Since I am not tech savvy enough to figure out how to post the actual song, here are the lyrics...
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Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
She said, some days I feel like sh**
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit
I don't understand why you have to always be gone
I get along, but the trips always feel so long, and
I find myself tryin' to stay by the phone
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call
But when I pick up I don't have much to say, so
I want you to know it's a little messed up
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing
Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Please come back home
You know the place where you used to live?
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs
Used to have a little party every halloween with candy by the pile
But now, you only stop by every once in a while
Yeah, I find myself just fillin' my time
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind
I'm doin' fine, and I'm plannin' to keep it that way
You can call me if you find that you have somethin' to say
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little messed up
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing
Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Please come back home
I want you to know it's a little messed up
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin'
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless
It seems one thing has been true all along
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone
I guess I've had it with you and your career
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it
Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
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We are surviving and we will make it just fine. But sometimes it feels good just to sit down and have a quiet pity party all to myself. I certainly can't do it when Nora is around (or I try REALLY REALLY hard not to)-she is having a hard enough time without watching Mommy be sad.
It is in the midst of weeks like this that I wonder how people manage to do this for 20, 30 years. The only person I really want to talk to when the day is done, the person I want to share all these tiny details with, the person I want to experience life with, is on the other side of the world without the time or technology to communicate on a daily basis. It is heartbreaking not to share life with him.
I have always said my sister, Terry, and her husband have a 24/7 kind of love. They would be happy to be with each other every moment of every day. Phil and I have more of a 20/7 kind of love. We need a little time to ourselves each day, but at the end of it, I don't want him to spend more than 4-6 hours away from me. I would settle for having him gone during the time between breakfast and dinner. He can eat lunch at work and the other two meals here. at home. with us.
Unfortunately, that isn't a lifestyle offered by his current profession. A girl can dream, right?
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