Half Way Done. seriously?

I am wowed and disappointed by the half way mark of this deployment.



Wowed because, hey, we survived 6 months, we must be able to survive the rest, right? His leaving still feels fresh and painful, so that must mean it hasn't been that long. AND things seem to be getting a little better with Nora.



Disappointed by the obvious. It feels like it has been forever. Nora has changed SOOOO much since he left and he still has 6 more months of her growing and changing to miss out on.



Of course, there is always a silver lining, even if it is a little tarnished sometimes. Ours is of course, Nora's improvement. We had a really bad month and a half, almost two months, and now she seems to be doing a lot better. We haven't had the night terrors for a while, and not as many random crying fits.



The best advancement that comes with this halfway mark is the addition of skype into our communication routine with Phil! So far we have been able to see him twice and it is absolutely the greatest blessing of the entire deployment so far. Nora has been over the moon about the fact that, "I talk Daddy on Mommy's 'pewter". I really think that seeing him and talking to him and getting to interact with him has helped her so much! It has certainly helped me.



We are coming up on the home stretch for all of this. We are approximately 1 month (hopefully a little less) from R&R-14 days of fun with Phil. The next month we will have Thanksgiving at my sister Terry's house to look forward to. The next month 2 weeks in Clarkston for my mom's winter break. The next month Nora's 3rd (I can't believe it) birthday. And only February and March left to survive alone. I am sure I can find ways to fill those :)



The summer has been long and lonely without Phil, but with so much action this winter I know the time will pass faster. HALFWAY DONE!

My own private pity party...

Friday mornings Nora goes to Hourly Care on post-I use our free respite hours from the deployment to clean the house, get my weeks worth of crying over missing Phil, and other random "can't do with Nora underfoot" chores.

Today I feeling especially pitiful. I even downloaded an old song that I think perfectly captures my emotions during deployment. It was popular just after Phil's first deployment. Since I am not tech savvy enough to figure out how to post the actual song, here are the lyrics...

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Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone

She said, some days I feel like sh**
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit
I don't understand why you have to always be gone
I get along, but the trips always feel so long, and

I find myself tryin' to stay by the phone
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call
But when I pick up I don't have much to say, so

I want you to know it's a little messed up
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing

Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Please come back home

You know the place where you used to live?
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs
Used to have a little party every halloween with candy by the pile
But now, you only stop by every once in a while

Yeah, I find myself just fillin' my time
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind
I'm doin' fine, and I'm plannin' to keep it that way
You can call me if you find that you have somethin' to say


And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little messed up
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing

Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Please come back home

I want you to know it's a little messed up
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin'
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless

It seems one thing has been true all along
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone
I guess I've had it with you and your career
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it

Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go? I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Please come back home

Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home

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We are surviving and we will make it just fine. But sometimes it feels good just to sit down and have a quiet pity party all to myself. I certainly can't do it when Nora is around (or I try REALLY REALLY hard not to)-she is having a hard enough time without watching Mommy be sad.

It is in the midst of weeks like this that I wonder how people manage to do this for 20, 30 years. The only person I really want to talk to when the day is done, the person I want to share all these tiny details with, the person I want to experience life with, is on the other side of the world without the time or technology to communicate on a daily basis. It is heartbreaking not to share life with him.

I have always said my sister, Terry, and her husband have a 24/7 kind of love. They would be happy to be with each other every moment of every day. Phil and I have more of a 20/7 kind of love. We need a little time to ourselves each day, but at the end of it, I don't want him to spend more than 4-6 hours away from me. I would settle for having him gone during the time between breakfast and dinner. He can eat lunch at work and the other two meals here. at home. with us.

Unfortunately, that isn't a lifestyle offered by his current profession. A girl can dream, right?

Hitting a wall...

As the halfway point in this deployment approaches, all I can think is, "really? we are only HALFway?". Spring can't come quick enough!

It isn't just the lack of help, or missing the company of my best friend, or not getting to watch Daddy play with Nora, that drags down my mood. It is all that PLUS the fact that Phil is lucky enough to be located in the dark ages as far as the modern military goes.

To my Army wife friends: stop reading.

I know that I am not the only one that NEVER gets to skype with her deployed soldier. I know I am not the only that anxiously awaits the 1 phone call a week we manage to get. I know I am not the only one who has NEVER been able to webchat with her hubby while he is deployed. And I know that 50 years ago, hell, 5 years ago the amount of communication we do manage (a few emails a week and 1 call) was a revelation. HOWEVER, when every wife around me seems to be complaining about going 3 days without a call and that the skype (that is used nearly everyday) was choppy and delayed, I often want to scream.

I should be thankful that he is able to call and email at all. I should be thankful he is relatively safe. I should be thankful, but honestly, I'm not. I greedily want more. Our ties feel so fragile and strained from the other side of the world, and not hearing from him, not being able to discuss the day to day, makes him feel even further away.

I am hitting a wall. A big brick wall. I don't want to climb over it or blast through it. I just want to sit down (maybe lay down) in front of it and wait for Phil to come home and help Nora and I work around it. Unfortunately, with a toddler underfoot and a house to take care of, sitting down on the job isn't an option. So, send strong vibes my way that I will get over this halfway slump and power through to the end...6 and 3/4 months to go...