Singing and Dancing

After Nora was born and in the months that followed her homecoming, I never thought we would end up with a happy kid. She was so unhappy, so much of the time. Consequently, we were too.

But here we are 6 years later, and my kid wakes up singing and dancing. I open her door and the cat comes running up the stairs to leap into her bed and snuggle. She opens her eyes and says, "Daisy's purrs feel soooo good mommy" and soon after the singing begins.

Once we are downstairs to breakfast, it is the dancing that takes over. So much so, that it becomes impossible to sit still long enough to eat breakfast.

And for the rest of our day, most of the time, we are in an old school musical. Singing and Dancing our way through life.

Me.

Today, at one of the my favorite MOMS Club events (Coffee with Graise), we did personality tests.

First, let me back up and tell you about Coffee with Graise. Our MOMS Club calendar is filled with events members volunteer to host/plan/or otherwise be in charge of. This can be a park meet up to an elaborate craft at home-whatever we the moms want to do. Several months ago, Graise started hosting a monthly coffee. The kiddos dig into her son's playroom, and we mamas have coffee, a little treat, and some guided conversation. One monthly we wrote letters to ourselves (to be sent back in 1 year), another she lead us in discussion questions. We have even made vision boards. Graise guides us through each activity in this wonderful calm way. Every month I leave feeling better about myself, my life, and what is ahead. I. LOVE. IT.

This month we took the Meyers Briggs Personality Test. My friends from Res. Life remember doing this. I have taken this test a number of times over the course of my young adult life and always received the same result. Until now.

It is amazing to me how much time, experience, motherhood, and army life have changed me. Or have they?

Am I really different? Or have I just become more confident in who I really am and more comfortable with the pros and cons that come with me?

For years I was: The Caregiver-As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESFJ’s generally have the following traits: 

Organized 

Loyal 

Can be depended on to follow things through to completion 

Enjoy creating order, structure and schedules 

Enjoy interacting with people 

Warm-hearted and sympathetic 

Tend to put others' needs above their own 

Very good at giving practical care 

Very cooperative, good team members 

Practical and down-to-earth 

Value peaceful living and security 

Enjoy variety, but work well with routine tasks 

Need approval from others 

Receive satisfaction from giving to others 

Live in the here and now - dislike theorizing about the future 

This morning I tested: The Guardian-As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESTJ’s generally have the following traits: 

Natural leaders - they like to be in charge 

Value security and tradition 

Loyal 

Hard-working and dependable 

Athletic and wholesome 

Have a clear set of standards and beliefs which they live by 

No patience with incompetence or inefficiency 

Excellent organizational abilities 

Enjoy creating order and structure 

Very thorough 

Will follow projects through to completion 

Straight-forward and honest 

Driven to fulfill their duties 

Now of course, a personality test, no matter how well researched is just a test. It is not empirical knowledge or anything that I plan to take too seriously. But I find the difference interesting. And as I sit and think about it honestly, I have changed a lot over the past 10 years. Marriage has changed me. Motherhood has changed me. Military life changed me-a lot. Are they all good changes? No. But I like to think that even with the negatives, I am a better parent, partner, and person that I was 5 years ago.

The some of the positive qualities that I see missing from the second list-Warm-hearted and sympathetic, Tend to put others' needs above their own, and Receive satisfaction from giving to others- are not truly gone. But instead, changed. I put my families needs above all others, but am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for the sake of people I am only acquainted with. Having dealt with more life challenges than when I was 22, I strive to be more empathetic than sympathetic. And while I still receive great satisfaction from giving to others, I have learned to be more careful lest I give too much and hurt myself and my family.

I do miss some of those qualities that 22 year old Carman had. I wouldn't blink an eye about spending hours creating a little homemade gift for a friend for no reason. I thought it totally normal to clear my schedule for almost anyone who needed me. I spent hours talking and patiently listening. I still do those things, but not for just anyone. I am far more selective. I have fewer hours to spend and more people to take care of than 22 year Carman. 

Instead, I am trying to find peace in folding laundry. I am trying to carefully apply those listening skills to the woes and worries of a six year old girl. I am trying to make time to remind my husband that he is still my favorite person despite how tired and cranky I have become. My priorities have shifted and focused. I strive to run an efficient home. I work hard to manage our finances in a way that allows us to enjoy life now, but also protects us from future worries. Most of all, I strive wholeheartedly to become the woman I most want Nora to emulate. Because I know, more than anything else, how I live will shape how she lives.

Oh what a difference a decade makes!

Phil and Carman at EWU graduation 2004

Phil and Carman at Nora's 6th Birthday Party 2014

One foot in and one foot out

So, are you guys staying in DuPont?

The short answer is yes.

That must get hard with everyone moving all the time.

The short answer is yes.

Wow. Phil has a really long commute!

The short answer is yes.

Most people don't seem very interested in my long answers. Of course our good friends are and our family care tons, but all those "others" the ones you meet in passing or chat with outside the elementary school, or even the new acquaintances that may someday become good friends, they aren't too interested in the long answers. To be fair, my long answers tend to be pretty darn long.

But it is a complicated and emotional thing. We left the Army, but we really didn't. Phil won't deploy, we don't have a PCS move on the horizon-ever-, and I have no "mandatory fun" to complain about. I acutely remember the pain of dealing with Tricare, despite the fact that I haven't dealt with it for 2 years. We still shop at the commissary and PX; I have post access. But, we aren't really an Army family anymore.

Phil is on IRR (individual ready reserve). This means he is on a list for the "great Army in the sky" and could, in the event of something really really major, be called up to Active Duty. He does nothing for the Army, and they pay him nothing. But remaining on that list, and risking the remote possibility that he could be called to serve again, affords us certain benefits. Post access being a big one. He didn't have to resign his commission being the biggest.

Of course all of this is confusing for the people around us. Most people have never heard of someone staying on IRR on purpose. But for us, it is the right thing for our family right now.

Because continuing to serve as an Active Duty family was not the right thing for our family. The sacrifices we had to make were hurting our family. We weren't able to put the priorities that we felt most important first. However, we both still feel drawn to serve. And we feel that pull from the military.

Living in a primarily military community, we are surrounded by opportunities to help military families. Having been one of those families, having done deployments and PCS moves and TDY separations, we know all the little ways the "civilian family down the street" can help. It is forever my goal to be that help and support in every little way we can. I love that we are stable enough to do it. I love that we have the opportunity to meet and learn from and love these wonderful people from all over.

It is hard getting close to all these great families only to say goodbye a year or two later. It is hard being the one left behind. PCS season is already beginning and we will send off many good friends this spring/summer. But I know the Army is a very small world. And those families will meet someone getting ready to PCS here. And if we are lucky, they will mention their good friends that live in DuPont.

New Years Eve with friends