Me.

Today, at one of the my favorite MOMS Club events (Coffee with Graise), we did personality tests.

First, let me back up and tell you about Coffee with Graise. Our MOMS Club calendar is filled with events members volunteer to host/plan/or otherwise be in charge of. This can be a park meet up to an elaborate craft at home-whatever we the moms want to do. Several months ago, Graise started hosting a monthly coffee. The kiddos dig into her son's playroom, and we mamas have coffee, a little treat, and some guided conversation. One monthly we wrote letters to ourselves (to be sent back in 1 year), another she lead us in discussion questions. We have even made vision boards. Graise guides us through each activity in this wonderful calm way. Every month I leave feeling better about myself, my life, and what is ahead. I. LOVE. IT.

This month we took the Meyers Briggs Personality Test. My friends from Res. Life remember doing this. I have taken this test a number of times over the course of my young adult life and always received the same result. Until now.

It is amazing to me how much time, experience, motherhood, and army life have changed me. Or have they?

Am I really different? Or have I just become more confident in who I really am and more comfortable with the pros and cons that come with me?

For years I was: The Caregiver-As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESFJ’s generally have the following traits: 

Organized 

Loyal 

Can be depended on to follow things through to completion 

Enjoy creating order, structure and schedules 

Enjoy interacting with people 

Warm-hearted and sympathetic 

Tend to put others' needs above their own 

Very good at giving practical care 

Very cooperative, good team members 

Practical and down-to-earth 

Value peaceful living and security 

Enjoy variety, but work well with routine tasks 

Need approval from others 

Receive satisfaction from giving to others 

Live in the here and now - dislike theorizing about the future 

This morning I tested: The Guardian-As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESTJ’s generally have the following traits: 

Natural leaders - they like to be in charge 

Value security and tradition 

Loyal 

Hard-working and dependable 

Athletic and wholesome 

Have a clear set of standards and beliefs which they live by 

No patience with incompetence or inefficiency 

Excellent organizational abilities 

Enjoy creating order and structure 

Very thorough 

Will follow projects through to completion 

Straight-forward and honest 

Driven to fulfill their duties 

Now of course, a personality test, no matter how well researched is just a test. It is not empirical knowledge or anything that I plan to take too seriously. But I find the difference interesting. And as I sit and think about it honestly, I have changed a lot over the past 10 years. Marriage has changed me. Motherhood has changed me. Military life changed me-a lot. Are they all good changes? No. But I like to think that even with the negatives, I am a better parent, partner, and person that I was 5 years ago.

The some of the positive qualities that I see missing from the second list-Warm-hearted and sympathetic, Tend to put others' needs above their own, and Receive satisfaction from giving to others- are not truly gone. But instead, changed. I put my families needs above all others, but am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for the sake of people I am only acquainted with. Having dealt with more life challenges than when I was 22, I strive to be more empathetic than sympathetic. And while I still receive great satisfaction from giving to others, I have learned to be more careful lest I give too much and hurt myself and my family.

I do miss some of those qualities that 22 year old Carman had. I wouldn't blink an eye about spending hours creating a little homemade gift for a friend for no reason. I thought it totally normal to clear my schedule for almost anyone who needed me. I spent hours talking and patiently listening. I still do those things, but not for just anyone. I am far more selective. I have fewer hours to spend and more people to take care of than 22 year Carman. 

Instead, I am trying to find peace in folding laundry. I am trying to carefully apply those listening skills to the woes and worries of a six year old girl. I am trying to make time to remind my husband that he is still my favorite person despite how tired and cranky I have become. My priorities have shifted and focused. I strive to run an efficient home. I work hard to manage our finances in a way that allows us to enjoy life now, but also protects us from future worries. Most of all, I strive wholeheartedly to become the woman I most want Nora to emulate. Because I know, more than anything else, how I live will shape how she lives.

Oh what a difference a decade makes!

Phil and Carman at EWU graduation 2004

Phil and Carman at Nora's 6th Birthday Party 2014